i’m alive

Today someone whom I love very deeply asked me how I was doing. I answered, “Pretty well, thanks,” and then she said, “Are you sure? On the Life Really Kinda Sucks Right Now scale, where would you put yourself?”

Then the film strip played in my mind…

I have spent around 41 hours in the car over the past two weeks. The sweet, beloved rav4 that is having more and more issues as each day comes.

We spent a several days at the beach with Adam’s family, which was mind-numbingly amazing on a horrible scale. I haven’t even been able to emotionally process all that transpired.

I have only had sporadic work which results in not much money.

Adam is crashing in many ways. His surgery is in about two weeks. Pray we make it there please.

Adam isn’t completely happy in his job. I want to duck tape his mouth closed when he complains about it because I would kill to have a steady job. I have been steady jobless for going on nine months and not from a lack of trying. I am starting to take it very personally.

Adam sometimes acts like he is the only creature on this earth with needs and desires. This just flat out makes me mad because the world doesn’t need to revolve around him 24/7.

Adam’s family comes with so very much drama. Sometimes I really feel like I drew the short straw when it comes to getting a “new” family.

I feel crappy and should probably be on antidepressants, but that costs money that I don’t have.

I am lonely because we have zippo friends out here.

I want to be in school. I miss school. I miss it A LOT. I get excited about buying school supplies and I get excited about going to class and I actually did 80 % of our required reading in college and I was good at school. I miss it. A lot.

People warned both Adam and me that the first year of marriage is always the hardest. They said that it only goes uphill from that. Not that our first year has driven us to considering a separation or anything that drastic, but it has not been all that much fun. We have had quite a bipolar first nineish months. Things have either been way awesome or way bad. I am ready for that pendulum to swing less dramatically.

Then I realized that this Mrs. Jones was still on the other end of the phone line. So I replied, “I am going to have to go with an 8.5 on the My Life Sucks Scale.” She chuckled.

 

I went to Wal-Mart this afternoon to get groceries for the week and I had several wake up calls-

On my way to Wal-Mart, there was a man walking with up the road hunched over a cane. I have my health.

While cutting through the clothes section to get to the grocery aisles, I heard a mother explaining to her daughter that she couldn’t get all those clothes because she didn’t have enough money. I have money for clothes I need and for groceries.

While I was getting checked out, the woman in front of me was denied her form of payment and she walked away empty handed and humiliated. I have money for food.

I know you shouldn’t assume things about people, but sometimes you just know when people are not college educated. There is not anything wrong with not going the collegiate route, it is just that I was given that. I am educated and that can’t be taken away.

I got in my car to go home and my iPod was in the middle of the song “I’m Alive” by Kenny Chesney feat. Dave Matthews. God knew I needed to hear it.

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me, I’d like to thank my lucky stars that I’m alive and well…
It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me…I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life and I’m alive
And well…I’m alive and well

The stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s gonna fall a soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life now I’m alive and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life and I’m alive
And well…I’m alive and well

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One thought on “i’m alive

  1. sorry i didn’t call you back… glad to know that walmart escapades bring reminders of life back to other people too… i’ll have to tell you about mine sometime.

    and of course, i love that you posted song lyrics 🙂

    i miss you.

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