gab.

My fabulous fifth grade team generously gifted me a massage after witnessing the entire pregnancy miscarriage time of hell situation. My massage was wonderful and I ended up clocking some quality time with the masseuse even after the massage ended. Like Adam and I did, Jennifer and her husband have decided to move. They want to feel passionate about where they reside and they have lost their passion for this area after 14 years. Over to a coast (they haven’t decided which one yet), they plan to go in the next year. So excited for them! She was inspiring and encouraging and we shared coffee the next day when I returned to her house to collect my necklace that I accidentally left. Life moves on and passion is still important.

The necklace I left is from my sister, Morgan. It has three delicately joined circles to remind me of hope: we will be family of three. Each time I feel it around my neck or see it glimmer, I’m reminded life moves on and hope is to be cherished.

I’ve felt restless over the past week, so my non-school mornings are filled with roaming around the house and doing a little of this, a little of that as Adam snoozes. This morning I finally had to trash the flowers that Mrs. Jones sent. They were meant to be delivered when we originally heard of the pregnancy complications, but were actually delivered the day we saw the baby’s heartbeat. As a baby has grown and then died in my, some of the flowers have faded as the sunflowers have maintained their brilliant golden petals. Life moves on and there is beauty.

We have lived in the Springs since late July ’13. We had made some friends, but mostly the light friendly kind. With this baby and then with great loss, I have truly started to understand and appreciate the strength of women. Women at school have become near and dear.  I had never appreciated what a tribe of women can do for a woman’s soul. There have been gifts, hugs, tears shared, memories shared, tylenol supplied, classes covered, and so much more. Life moves on with greater strength.

When Adam and I were in college at Bluefield, we became close to two local families. One of he families had young boys who Adam and I babysat. We lost touch and closeness in our post-college years, but have reconnected since living in the Springs. They live about 20 minutes away and it is beyond wonderful to have family so close. Their two boys have grown into intelligent, respectful, and strongly sensitive young men. The family also hosts two foster children. The other family we got close to Bluefield is also in our lives again. When sending out Christmas cards, I just felt like I should send the Brewster family a card, so I did. Little did I know how much I would need Jennifer’s support through all of this. Ironically enough, both of these families have experienced loss and deeply understand the emotions that come with territory. Life moves on and family is everywhere.

When my friend, Kelly, got married in the Fall, it was a fantastic chance to catch up with some old college friends. I reconnected with a friend, Sharde. We weren’t super close in college, but that has changed. She’s pregnant and due with a little boy in the next month or so. She had experienced a miscarriage and publicly blogs about it (http://keepshiningon.wordpress.com). At the time, little did I know what we would have in store for us in the upcoming months. Since the wedding, Sharde and I have kept in constant touch and she has been a constant source of information, support, and love. Life moves on and I must move with it.

One of my dearest friends, Michelle, and her husband, Ossie, welcomed a brand new baby girl into the world last week. She labored less than 5 hours and little Eden is stunning, just like big sis, Brielle. I am constantly amazed at Michelle’s strength and at her humor. She’s fantastic, as is her family. I wasn’t sure how I was going to react to a bestie having a baby so close to my heartbreak, but I was pleasantly surprised. Nothing but celebration and love for that little Eden. Life goes on and it is ok to feel joy.

In earlier years, I was a believed in God steadfastly. Wait. I believed in church and God. Wait. Sometimes I believed in what a church said more than was God said. Wait. I don’t know.

What I do know is God is crazy frustrating. Why did I have to let this little baby go? We would have been Todd-Geisert-fine parents. After some of the kid/parent combos I have seen- we would have been beyond fine. What did God know that we didn’t? Was the baby not healthy? Was it not the right time? Did I do something wrong? What I do know is that grief sucks and it is beyond hard. I know this too shall pass. What I also know is that at the end of the day, I am thankful that I am not God, because this shit’s too hard to figure out and I plumb out don’t want to be in control of it.

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